...✯ ¸.•*¨)
✮ (¸.•´✶ .99￠ SALE
December 29 - January 2
Title:
Trying to Find Love: Poems & Reflections of the Love that Made Me
by T.B. Cooper
(99cents Promotion)
Genre:
Poetry Memoir
Length:
82 Pages
Buy Links:
(FREE on KU) of course!
From
Back Cover:
This is my collection of "songs" that I
wrote, when music was in my heart.... Saying my early adult life was turbulent,
is a slight understatement. I had fun, I broke hearts, and I had mine broke
more than enough to compensate. Music Helped me. I'd always hoped to be a
fabulous songwriter, but as I evolved, I realized that path would've just led
me to more heartache. I grew up, and so did my way of dealing with my emotions.
Music, sadly, has left my heart. I no longer hear inspiration on the wind. Instead,
I now enjoy peace and quiet..... on a farm with a million kids and animals! But
I still remember where I came from, who I loved, and who loved me. It is to
honor their place in making me who I am, that I decided to share the
"song" and tell the story of how each "poem" came to be. I
hope you enjoy this very private peek into my heart.
Blurb:
I won’t make any outrageous claims to a troubled past
or anything that might excuse my behavior now, or then. I alone, know my
demons. I live today with a clear conscience knowing that every step of the
journey has been worth it. I do not hold grudges, nor do I apologize to those
who do. I regret nothing. I have fought for my happiness; friend and foe, and
worse.. myself.
I’ve been afraid of happiness. I’ve been afraid of
success. Failing was easy, but it was never an option. I am at peace with
myself, and I am LOVE incarnate. I’ve loved many, and many have loved me. With
the love, others have hated me. Let them battle their own demons.
In the following pages, I’ve collected the majority of
“songs” I’d written years ago. I say songs, only because at the time they came
into my head they came through on a melody. I had planned on becoming a
songwriter at one time in my life, but that was never my dream. So I never pursued
it. Instead, I decided a little while back that I still needed to publish them,
but as a reflection of what emotions and powers have shaped me. I added short
descriptions to these “poems” when I first started putting them all in one
place. This collection is about LOVE, and everything that goes with it.. the
searing passionate love, the torturous-I’d-rather-die-love, the despair of
never feeling it again-love. And everything in between. Some of the blurbs
attached to the poems I chose to keep the same, because they (when originally
written) showcased who I was at the time. How I felt, how I saw life. This is
after all, a deep look into my own personal journey. And if for no one else’s
understanding but mine, I chose to keep them as they were. Others, I either
re-wrote them to sound a little less offensive, or I added to them as an
update.
I have changed the names of the people I discuss, and
some of them I discuss frequently because they were such an influence on my
life. I’ve divided this book into “Chapters” named after each of the men who’ve
accompanied me in love. Whether they ever felt the same, I do not know, nor do
I ever wish to know. Yet another reason to have changed their names.
In closing, yes, I’ve been in love many times. I’ve
loved freely, and I’ve never discriminated. I’ve had more than enough outward
confidence that I enjoyed sharing myself. And I am not ashamed. Men have
notches on their belts… I had notches on my bedposts. And I am not ashamed….
I’ve lived my way, according to my rules and my desires. I can only hope more
people can feel and say the same thing when they reflect on their pasts…
To those men that helped me find myself, I am
eternally grateful. I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my one true
Prince.
Excerpt #1:
KEITH
(My first love)
Prince Charming
06-17-98
Once
upon a time
You
were the only one that I loved
You
were all I thought that I’d need
The
only one in my life
I
thought it would last
Prince
Charming came
To
make my dreams come true
Yes
I thought that he was you
Just
how wrong could I be?
You
broke my heart, my soul, my dreams
You
put me down like I didn’t mean a thing
I
thought you loved me
Wasn’t
I your everything?
You
said you were committed
It
doesn’t count if it’s not to me
Fairy-tales,
Of
“Shinning White Knights”
Sound
sweet to me
If I
could just find one right
Instead
of searching in vain
And
making mistakes
Of
choosing another boy
Whose
“Life of Love” was all fake
You
broke my heart, my soul, my dreams
You
put me down like I didn’t mean a thing
I
thought you loved me
Wasn’t
I your “everything”?
You
said you were committed
It
doesn’t count if it’s not to me
So at the time I wrote this, I was
pregnant with my daughter. I believe my first husband and I were separated but
trying to get back together. But I’m not sure this song was inspired by him. I
think I was upset because of him but I drew the emotions and inspiration from
my first love (Keith).
I think because of my fragile state of
being, plus having baby #2 with what was looking was going to be no father, I
think it all just made me think about those dreams I had had and what was
really going on with my life right now?
Keith was a big part of my life when I was
just turning into a woman. I gave up a lot of my happiness for his, and for him
to succeed in life. I just hope wherever he is, everything has worked out for
him. I wish him well.
Excerpt #2:
My Daddy
Daddy’s ‘lil girl
08-17-1998
I’m
your baby girl
At
least that’s what you told me
When
I came into this world
And
you knew someday
I’d
grow up to spread my wings
And
my own eyes would have
To
see all of those things
That
you told me were wrong
And
that you knew best.
I’ve
got your intuition
It
just kicked in too late
For
me to know what I was doing
Would
cause you to hate
Daddy’s
‘lil girl
You
said I betrayed you
But
you betrayed me
“Family
will never leave you”
At
least that’s what you told me
Said
you’d be there forever
Well
forever’s almost gone.
But
Daddy I’m still here
Waiting
for the day when you realize
That
I’m my father’s daughter
And
I’ve got more than Daddy’s eyes
I’m
as stubborn as a bull
Very
set in my ways.
You
missed my wedding day
You
made the choice to push
Instead
of give me away
You’re
missing your grandkids
A
boy and a girl
They’re
growing up fast
And
they’re my whole world
Wasn’t
I once yours
I
was Daddy’s girl
Now
I’m Daddy’s sad girl
Oh
Daddy’s sad ‘lil girl
Now, not really much of a song, per say…
I’ve over the years added, edited this song and what not… I’ve lost the
original (I think?). This is of course about my Daddy; a few days before I had
my first daughter. Last time he cared if I existed was July 23, 1996; before he
dropped me off at the hospital to have my half-black son saying he wasn’t the
father of a “Ni**er-loving whore.”
I was Daddy’s little girl. He even made a
charm for me once that
I was supposed to get when I turned
eighteen…. I’m almost
twenty-eight at this moment I’m typing…
Yeah, don’t see that happening.
Really not easy being rejected by a man.
Certainly not by your father who you feel is supposed to shelter and protect
you... No matter what. I could write more, but, there’s not much left to
say……..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is my update.. I am 36 right now, my
dad has been gone for six years. Right before he died, my family (including my
kids) went to see him at his bedside. It was one of the single most painful
moments of my life.
I’d spent fourteen years, not seeing him,
not talking to him. Ten of those years I was mostly a single mom. A single mom
with three kids, living in the same town, at times-right down the street. I’d
gotten used to not having him in my life. I had to make my own way, and this
inevitably sent me into the arms of the next newest savior.
Then, right at the end, when his departure
from this world and my life for good was unavoidable, I had to lose him all
over again. We made peace with each other. He hugged my son. My son, who for
fourteen years could’ve learned so much from his grandpa, but he and his sisters
were denied because of a foolish man’s pride.
There was no man that had a greater
influence on my early adult life besides my Dad. Everything I did was dictated
by what was and wasn’t acceptable with him.
“Don’t date black people.”
I have two black kids.
“Blood is thicker than water, but if you
disgrace me, I disown you.”
So I left home at fifteen and at times,
only had my children for family in my life.
“Women should know their place, they
should be subservient to Man.” That was the toughest lesson to unlearn.
I’m grateful for everything,
good and bad my father taught me. I miss him terribly. I feel robbed.
T.B. Cooper lives with her husband, four kids, a grand-baby, her mom, and her sister, on a farm in the Nevada Desert. With farm chores, home-schooling and herds of animals needing attention, it’s a miracle she finds anytime to write at all. But writing has always been her passion. She’s written and construed stories, her whole life. Now she’s jumping in with both feet into the world of social media, publishing her thoughts on paper, and is ready to open the next chapter in an overwhelmingly enriched life.
