I wasn't looking for you #3

You weren't interested. .. I guess I was your decoy. Not sure how I felt about that.

For two days I wondered,  why did he hold my hand? Why did he tell me he wasn't interested in her, but hold my hand? Why didn't I ask him what I needed to know? To say those two days were long is an understatement.

I show up to work hoping you aren't scheduled. I have to act like I'm unaffected.  I don't care. I don't need you... I wasn't looking for you.

I walk in and the first thing I see is blondie who says she's my friend.  She's your ex from what I hear. She greets me with a huge grin. "So, how was the mall", asks blondie. Ugh, her stupid grin pissed me off. I felt like she was laughing at me. She obviously knew about what happened.

I replied with a, it was great we all had fun and got our Secret Santa gifts. Sorry you couldn't be there. Then she said, you know he likes you right? Deer in headlights moment. Excuse me? Mark, he likes you. Umm, no. I think you're wrong. Nope, he's into you but too shy to tell you. "How do you know?", clearly she was mistaken. I had witnessed a girl get a dozen roses from him. That girl was NOT  me, I had never been given a dozen red roses. Sure, he liked me. Sure, he was into me. NOT!!! I know I may look stupid but please, don't play with me.

She answered with, he told me. We all see it, how could you not? "He told you? when?" I kept thinking warm hand and my heart racing. This bimbo is playing me, she has to be. No one likes me. I'm the girl no one notices. I'm the friend of the girls with boyfriends. The girl whose friends tell the parents they are with so they can hangout with their boyfriend. How can HE like me. He's older. He sent what's her face a dozen red roses.

I was pissed about how I felt after the mall. I had been sitting on those feelings for two days and here's blondie telling me her ex likes me. Yeah, I was pissed. She said, he called her after the mall and HE wasn't sure how to tell me. Well, that was what made me blow my lid. With my insecurities and self-esteem issues I KNEW I was being played.

I asked is he here? Yes, downstairs in the break room. Cool thanks. I made my way downstairs found my locker put my purse away and looked around. He was the only person there, the radio was on and his back to the door he hadn't noticed me.  I thought "ok girl, you will not be laughed at, grow a pair and ask him what the hell his issue is". With my ounce of courage I walked inside, turned the radio down. He was eating and reading the paper, why did he have to look intelligent reading the paper.

He looked up when I turned the radio down and smiled. I have no clue what the hell I looked like or did. He spoke first, "hey how you doing?" Good, thanks for asking you? "Everything ok? You look mad." Well, I think I'm okay, but since you asked I feel a bit confused not mad. He wanted to know why I was confused and what was going on. Asked if I needed to talk about home.  I said no, and told him you know at the mall you confused me I was a decoy for your friend, the girl you aren't interested in, right? He didn't say a word just stared. Then I said I'm confused because I walked in here today and blondie is trying very hard to either upset me, confuse me more, or trying to help me. I don't know which.

I looked at him and said "my whole life I have been scared to verbalize what I am thinking. I just do what I am told and fade into the background. I can't be that person today. So today I will be a big girl and ask you one question." He looked scared. I looked at him and just told him that I wasn't sure what the hand holding thing was about at the mall. I said I have only held hands with one other person and he is now an ex-boyfriend. I don't just hold hands with guys. To me when a guy holds your hand it means something.  From what I was just told when I got here, the people we were with made sure to spread the word of your little action.

When I walk in and your ex starts giving me information I didn't need to hear. I swear I think he was going to pass out. He asked what information was I given. I put my hand up. I was going to puke, I was so nervous. I said well, she told me that you called her after you got home from the mall. He went white. So, my question to you and please be honest don't do me any favors either. I ask for honesty. Did you or did you not tell blondie you like me?

**more later.